Cameron's eco-policy goes to the dogs.

Apologies for not being able to post as regularly as I’d have liked over the last week or so. To make amends, and to celebrate Gordon’s latest brilliant, courageous and far-sighted policy on the environment, I have written a poem recounting the rise and demise of David Cameron and his sham eco-credentials.

The depths the Tories sink to’s quite obscene.
Of their sly opportunism here’s proof:
Dave Cameron made out that he was green,

And did attach a windmill to his roof.
And to a glacier travelled on a sledge.
(I am assured it’s real and not a spoof.)

‘Vote Blue go Green’ he cynically did pledge.
And all the pliant media hacks did swallow it.
But then the Daily Mirror did allege

That Dave’s bike had a limousine to follow it.
With eco-folk this was a travesty for them
And they had to admit how crass and hollow it

Was. But then Gordon caused a lot of glee for them:
With plastic bags we'll have to pay a fee for them.

Cameron is a Nazi (part II).

As I made clear on an earlier thread, Nazism is too serious a subject to be used for cheap political point scoring over one’s opponents by wilfully misrepresenting of their words. This subject demands cool language and responsible analysis. However, to describe, as David Cameron has, the death of six million people under the Final Solution as ‘a gimmick’ is an unpardonable slur upon Hitler’s victims and their families. In 2001 William Hague wanted asylum seekers rounded up and imprisoned in concentration camps. By trivializing the Holocaust in this way Cameron has demonstrated that he is an equally committed fascist as his predecessor. It is clear that today’s Tory Party is a million miles away from the moderate party of Edward Heath.

Burgers and chips are a privilege, not a right!

This really is a government brimming with ideas. The latest, that smokers must pay £200 a year for a permit entitling them to buy cigarettes, is quite brilliant. And why not extend the scheme to alcohol? Moreover, we could introduce random drink tests for individuals – if the authorities discover that you’re getting too pissed too often then you’re drinking permit will be revoked. And why not extend the scheme to fatty foods? Again, if you fail a regular obesity test then you forfeit the privilege to buy chips, burgers, crisps etc. This is essentially the same principle as the MOT, and no one objects to that. It will make us healthier while increasing revenue for the Treasury to invest in schools and hospitals.

Oh woe! It's finito for Guto!

Iain Dale reports the sad news today that the BBC political correspondent, Guto Harri, is leaving the corporation. Like Iain I was both shocked and upset. BBC political bulletins will be a darker and lonelier place without him. Here’s my poetic tribute:

Professional, objective, fair, that is our Guto.
Broadcasted on Welsh-language radio – quite a feat oh.
And so stopped spoken Welsh becoming obsolete oh,
He’s someone I have really always wished to meet oh.
Once on the Ten O‘Clock News – this was quite a treat oh –
He hid the fact that Tony Blair was booed, how neat oh!
But his unhappy bosses read from the charge sheet oh.
He was accused of bias, for the sake of Pete oh!
But now his fine career is very much complete oh,
On Fleishman-Hillard’s board he was given a seat oh.*

* I don’t know if Guto has actually been given a seat on the board, but it's poetic licence.

Darling, Osborne, prawns.

It was New Labour’s seminal moment: the so called ‘Prawn-Cocktail Offensive’ when the shining lights of the party wooed corporate Britain over a series of business breakfasts. Now Alistair Darling, the listening Chancellor, has reaffirmed New Labour’s credentials as the party of business by heeding the concerns of the City about his taxation plans for nom-doms. To see a flexible and pragmatic politician such as Alistair is most refreshing. Here’s a sonnet about the great man:

The Tories at their conference weren’t relaxing
(How Gordon’s massive polling lead did rile!)
Osborne pledged to cut IHT by taxing
Those whose tax status was ‘non-domicile’.
But Alistair, the Chancellor just anointed,
Proposed an IHT plan of his own.
At Osborne Gordon laughed and jeered and pointed.
To pieces thus the Tory fox was blown.
But Darling changed these plans when he reflected
Foreign investors might find them unfair.
(But not, as Guido claimed, cos they affected
Rich donors who might take their cash elsewhere.)
Meanwhile the hapless Osborne had to live
With his plan, which was much more punative.

Archbishop hunting.

Predictably, the Tories have been bleating this morning at the Archbishop of Canterbury's call for Islamic sharia law to be adopted in Britain. The Tories’ hypocrisy is breathtaking. A law was passed banning fox hunting in 2004 and what happened? To this day odious upper-class twits in red coats gallop around the countryside allowing dogs to rip beautiful, harmless, innocent foxes to shreds. So it’s all right for wealthy, land-owning Tories to choose which laws they adhere to but not poor, persecuted Muslims? In fact, I think this country should begin the shift towards a system of sharia law: this would reflect the changing dynamic of British society as well as showing some humility and regret for centuries of imperial oppression. I doubt the majority of the population would mind. Most of us have more in common with Muslims (a hatred of George W. Bush and the evils of capitalism) than with heartless, snobbish, braying fox murderers.

Five reasons why PMQs should be abolished – versified.

Mike Smithson at politicalbetting.com asks if Gordon could abolish PMQs. I think it should be abolished, and here’s five reasons why – in verse!

When Gordon is demolishing Dave Cameron,
He’s so enthused it makes him put a stammer on.
But cruel right-wingers said that this already meant
Gordon had cracked and got a speech impediment.

Though silent Labour members sweetly smile;
The rattled Tories scream and shout much bile.
Such antics by the Tories sets, in truth,
A poor example for the nation’s youth.

If Gordon’s statements generate good cheer,
All in the House rejoice and cry ‘Hear, hear!’
This choice of words though makes me apprehensive:
I think the deaf could find the phrase offensive.

Sometimes good Gordon rightly tries to ask
What Dave would do instead – a futile task!
No valid answer does Dave ever state.
Evasiveness is not a pretty trait.

And when Tories bawl and scream like louts
It’s ‘Order, order!’ that the speaker shouts.
Though unintentional, this utt’rance might
Help publicize vile Guido's wicked site.

A working stint for the lazy and skint, says Flint.

Congratulations to housing minister Caroline Flint, who has said that council-house tenants should be thrown out on the street if they fail to get themselves into gainful employment. Now, some so-called progressives will complain that this lacks compassion. But is it compassionate to allow, say, a three-bedroom house to be occupied by a single work-shy ne’er-do-well when the council could cheaply sell the property on to a buy-to-let specialist, who in turn could quintuple its occupancy by turning the three bedrooms and two receptions into bedsits? There is also the immigrant population to think about. I personally employ an au pair, a cleaner, a cook and several builders from eastern Europe. How can I persuade such people to come over and work for me for a competitive wage if the lower-class dole-addicted natives are hogging the housing stock? Well done Caroline. You’re a beautiful woman and you also have beautiful ideas!

Ignore this Tory plot.

The story about Sadiq Khan's being bugged is clearly nothing more than a dastardly plot by David Davis to distract us from the raft of sleaze stories that have rocked the Tory Party to its foundations over the last week. For that reason I will only give it a single rhyming couplet:

Davis sent Brown a letter. I believe it
When Gordon says that he did not receive it.

Gold for Gordon.

It was great to learn of Gordon’s pledge that all school children will be doing five hours of sport a week by 2012. Not content with making us wealthier (through sustained economic growth) and cleverer (record investment in schools), Gordon is now making us healthier too. I went to a school sports day the other week, and as I watched the happy children running, leaping and throwing things, it struck me that athletic events serve as a beautiful metaphor for many of New Labour’s finest achievements. I wrote a poem about it:

I went to a school sports day and
It was great fun, in no way bland.
Running and jumping – all that jazz.
It was quite good, and I thought as
I watched the children leap and run
Of all the good that Labour’s done:
A lean high jumper made me think
Of high employment (that won’t sink),
A fit long-jumping little man,
The longest growth since time began.
The four-by-hundred relay brought
To mind another pleasant thought:
To see the baton smoothly passed
Back to last June my mind was cast
When Tony passed, without a frown,
The Labour leadership to Brown.
And then a javelin was thrown,
Which brought back memories all its own:
When Dave’s IHT plans appeared
And were by Gordon swiftly speared.
A burly boy a hammer hurled,
More apt analogies unfurled.
With ‘hammer’ if you get my gist,
I think of Gordon’s clunking fist.
And when the prizes were awarded
And all the winners loudly lauded
A wondrous insight did unfold:
With Labour we’re all medal winners: gold!