Dead Sheep backs Dave.

As my great hero and mentor Mr Quentin Davies MP now appears to be edging back to the Tories, I thought I’d write a poem about recent events:

They told us Gord was such a clever bleeder
And many an awesome policy would wield.
But at his final budget, his great deed? Er,
A tax hike which from the most poorest stealed,
And when concerns the PM failed to heed. A
Rebellion headed by the good Frank Field –
As ruthless, cunning, swift as Al Quieda –
Ensured this wretched tax law was repealed.
And Dave called Gord ‘a loser not a leader’,
And from that moment Gordon’s fate was sealed.
So who now can our desperate nation save?
I shout five times: ‘Tis Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave!

Bye, bye…

A poem for Budget Day.

Darling produced a budget of great skill,
And used the word ‘stability’ a lot.
But then the atmosphere turned somewhat ill
When Dave claimed mighty Ed had said ‘So what?’
With rage this vile untruth did my heart fill –
Good Ed had said ‘So weak’ you stupid clot!
Sad that a man who wants to rule our nation
Should seek advantage from a misquotation.

Quite a good egg, Nick Clegg.

I don’t normally have much time for the Liberal Democrats, but what splendid day it’s been for them. Their courageous leader Nick Clegg has shown impeccable judgement by joining with Gordon to defeat the Tories’ swivel-eyed, xenophobic and anti-European amendment to the Lisbon Treaty. This is a glorious day for the authority of Gordon, Parliament and democracy. Thank you for being part of it Nick. Here’s a sonnet in you honour:

An arsonist convicted is Nick Clegg,
But please don’t think that means he is a loon.
He was an MEP, then very soon
Became the candidate for the impreg-
Nable seat of Sheff. Hallam – a good egg!
And all the Orange Bookers they did swoon.
Though he was dubbed ‘Calamity’ by Huhne,
On this to differ I would have to beg.
Then came that wicked Euro-sceptic Dave.
To wreck the Lisbon Treaty Dave was straining.
But Nick joined Gord – the Treaty they would save!
He three-line-whipped his troops into abstaining,
And happy Gordon smiled with his white teeth.
(Though they resigned – Carmichael, Farron, Heath)

Cameron's eco-policy goes to the dogs.

Apologies for not being able to post as regularly as I’d have liked over the last week or so. To make amends, and to celebrate Gordon’s latest brilliant, courageous and far-sighted policy on the environment, I have written a poem recounting the rise and demise of David Cameron and his sham eco-credentials.

The depths the Tories sink to’s quite obscene.
Of their sly opportunism here’s proof:
Dave Cameron made out that he was green,

And did attach a windmill to his roof.
And to a glacier travelled on a sledge.
(I am assured it’s real and not a spoof.)

‘Vote Blue go Green’ he cynically did pledge.
And all the pliant media hacks did swallow it.
But then the Daily Mirror did allege

That Dave’s bike had a limousine to follow it.
With eco-folk this was a travesty for them
And they had to admit how crass and hollow it

Was. But then Gordon caused a lot of glee for them:
With plastic bags we'll have to pay a fee for them.

Cameron is a Nazi (part II).

As I made clear on an earlier thread, Nazism is too serious a subject to be used for cheap political point scoring over one’s opponents by wilfully misrepresenting of their words. This subject demands cool language and responsible analysis. However, to describe, as David Cameron has, the death of six million people under the Final Solution as ‘a gimmick’ is an unpardonable slur upon Hitler’s victims and their families. In 2001 William Hague wanted asylum seekers rounded up and imprisoned in concentration camps. By trivializing the Holocaust in this way Cameron has demonstrated that he is an equally committed fascist as his predecessor. It is clear that today’s Tory Party is a million miles away from the moderate party of Edward Heath.

Burgers and chips are a privilege, not a right!

This really is a government brimming with ideas. The latest, that smokers must pay £200 a year for a permit entitling them to buy cigarettes, is quite brilliant. And why not extend the scheme to alcohol? Moreover, we could introduce random drink tests for individuals – if the authorities discover that you’re getting too pissed too often then you’re drinking permit will be revoked. And why not extend the scheme to fatty foods? Again, if you fail a regular obesity test then you forfeit the privilege to buy chips, burgers, crisps etc. This is essentially the same principle as the MOT, and no one objects to that. It will make us healthier while increasing revenue for the Treasury to invest in schools and hospitals.

Oh woe! It's finito for Guto!

Iain Dale reports the sad news today that the BBC political correspondent, Guto Harri, is leaving the corporation. Like Iain I was both shocked and upset. BBC political bulletins will be a darker and lonelier place without him. Here’s my poetic tribute:

Professional, objective, fair, that is our Guto.
Broadcasted on Welsh-language radio – quite a feat oh.
And so stopped spoken Welsh becoming obsolete oh,
He’s someone I have really always wished to meet oh.
Once on the Ten O‘Clock News – this was quite a treat oh –
He hid the fact that Tony Blair was booed, how neat oh!
But his unhappy bosses read from the charge sheet oh.
He was accused of bias, for the sake of Pete oh!
But now his fine career is very much complete oh,
On Fleishman-Hillard’s board he was given a seat oh.*

* I don’t know if Guto has actually been given a seat on the board, but it's poetic licence.

Darling, Osborne, prawns.

It was New Labour’s seminal moment: the so called ‘Prawn-Cocktail Offensive’ when the shining lights of the party wooed corporate Britain over a series of business breakfasts. Now Alistair Darling, the listening Chancellor, has reaffirmed New Labour’s credentials as the party of business by heeding the concerns of the City about his taxation plans for nom-doms. To see a flexible and pragmatic politician such as Alistair is most refreshing. Here’s a sonnet about the great man:

The Tories at their conference weren’t relaxing
(How Gordon’s massive polling lead did rile!)
Osborne pledged to cut IHT by taxing
Those whose tax status was ‘non-domicile’.
But Alistair, the Chancellor just anointed,
Proposed an IHT plan of his own.
At Osborne Gordon laughed and jeered and pointed.
To pieces thus the Tory fox was blown.
But Darling changed these plans when he reflected
Foreign investors might find them unfair.
(But not, as Guido claimed, cos they affected
Rich donors who might take their cash elsewhere.)
Meanwhile the hapless Osborne had to live
With his plan, which was much more punative.

Archbishop hunting.

Predictably, the Tories have been bleating this morning at the Archbishop of Canterbury's call for Islamic sharia law to be adopted in Britain. The Tories’ hypocrisy is breathtaking. A law was passed banning fox hunting in 2004 and what happened? To this day odious upper-class twits in red coats gallop around the countryside allowing dogs to rip beautiful, harmless, innocent foxes to shreds. So it’s all right for wealthy, land-owning Tories to choose which laws they adhere to but not poor, persecuted Muslims? In fact, I think this country should begin the shift towards a system of sharia law: this would reflect the changing dynamic of British society as well as showing some humility and regret for centuries of imperial oppression. I doubt the majority of the population would mind. Most of us have more in common with Muslims (a hatred of George W. Bush and the evils of capitalism) than with heartless, snobbish, braying fox murderers.

Five reasons why PMQs should be abolished – versified.

Mike Smithson at politicalbetting.com asks if Gordon could abolish PMQs. I think it should be abolished, and here’s five reasons why – in verse!

When Gordon is demolishing Dave Cameron,
He’s so enthused it makes him put a stammer on.
But cruel right-wingers said that this already meant
Gordon had cracked and got a speech impediment.

Though silent Labour members sweetly smile;
The rattled Tories scream and shout much bile.
Such antics by the Tories sets, in truth,
A poor example for the nation’s youth.

If Gordon’s statements generate good cheer,
All in the House rejoice and cry ‘Hear, hear!’
This choice of words though makes me apprehensive:
I think the deaf could find the phrase offensive.

Sometimes good Gordon rightly tries to ask
What Dave would do instead – a futile task!
No valid answer does Dave ever state.
Evasiveness is not a pretty trait.

And when Tories bawl and scream like louts
It’s ‘Order, order!’ that the speaker shouts.
Though unintentional, this utt’rance might
Help publicize vile Guido's wicked site.

A working stint for the lazy and skint, says Flint.

Congratulations to housing minister Caroline Flint, who has said that council-house tenants should be thrown out on the street if they fail to get themselves into gainful employment. Now, some so-called progressives will complain that this lacks compassion. But is it compassionate to allow, say, a three-bedroom house to be occupied by a single work-shy ne’er-do-well when the council could cheaply sell the property on to a buy-to-let specialist, who in turn could quintuple its occupancy by turning the three bedrooms and two receptions into bedsits? There is also the immigrant population to think about. I personally employ an au pair, a cleaner, a cook and several builders from eastern Europe. How can I persuade such people to come over and work for me for a competitive wage if the lower-class dole-addicted natives are hogging the housing stock? Well done Caroline. You’re a beautiful woman and you also have beautiful ideas!

Ignore this Tory plot.

The story about Sadiq Khan's being bugged is clearly nothing more than a dastardly plot by David Davis to distract us from the raft of sleaze stories that have rocked the Tory Party to its foundations over the last week. For that reason I will only give it a single rhyming couplet:

Davis sent Brown a letter. I believe it
When Gordon says that he did not receive it.

Gold for Gordon.

It was great to learn of Gordon’s pledge that all school children will be doing five hours of sport a week by 2012. Not content with making us wealthier (through sustained economic growth) and cleverer (record investment in schools), Gordon is now making us healthier too. I went to a school sports day the other week, and as I watched the happy children running, leaping and throwing things, it struck me that athletic events serve as a beautiful metaphor for many of New Labour’s finest achievements. I wrote a poem about it:

I went to a school sports day and
It was great fun, in no way bland.
Running and jumping – all that jazz.
It was quite good, and I thought as
I watched the children leap and run
Of all the good that Labour’s done:
A lean high jumper made me think
Of high employment (that won’t sink),
A fit long-jumping little man,
The longest growth since time began.
The four-by-hundred relay brought
To mind another pleasant thought:
To see the baton smoothly passed
Back to last June my mind was cast
When Tony passed, without a frown,
The Labour leadership to Brown.
And then a javelin was thrown,
Which brought back memories all its own:
When Dave’s IHT plans appeared
And were by Gordon swiftly speared.
A burly boy a hammer hurled,
More apt analogies unfurled.
With ‘hammer’ if you get my gist,
I think of Gordon’s clunking fist.
And when the prizes were awarded
And all the winners loudly lauded
A wondrous insight did unfold:
With Labour we’re all medal winners: gold!

Cameron is a Nazi.

Probably the most disturbing political story for decades has come to light today. Far-right Tory MEP Daniel Hannan has stated that all the members of the European Parliament are Nazis and has likened its work to the 1933 Enabling Act, which brought Hitler to power. It is a shocking state of affairs. Now, normally I’m colourful and robust in my criticisms, but an incident of such breathtaking seriousness as this needs to be dealt with cool headedness and care. This is not the time for opportunistic point scoring, misrepresenting the comments of others, crude generalizations or irresponsible exaggeration; it is the time for mature reflection and sober language. The last person to make controversial remarks about the Nazis, David Irving, was imprisoned, and I believe Hannan should face the same fate for his despicable utterances. As for David Cameron: it is becoming apparent that a vote for Labour at the next General Election will do as much against the dark forces of the extreme right as did signing up to fight against Hitler in 1939.

Taxman.

One of the most depressing things about ‘Cool Britannia’ – that trite phrase coined by John Major in a cynical and risible attempt to ingratiate himself with the nation’s youth – is that the ‘Britpop’ musicians of the era frequently cited the Beatles’ Revolver album as an inspiration. Revolver is a wicked and divisive piece of work: it contains the song Taxman – surely the most unpleasant piece of reactionary propaganda ever to contaminate vulnerable minds. Its lyrics are nothing more than a selfish rant against the state’s right to obtain necessary funding from its population. If I had my way the song would be banned. That’s why I was delighted to read today that Alistair Darling may be forced to raise taxes by £8 billion. We have become spoiled in Gordon’s low-tax economy of recent years. We need to get used to paying much more tax. That will focus our minds on the fact that it is not a burden but an obligation – an obligation every responsible citizen should be grateful to be allowed to carry out.

Dave dithers and delays and is devoid of determination.

The most telling aspect of this shocking scandal involving Tory MP Derek Conway is that David Cameron took a massive 24 hours to withdraw the party whip. Compare this to Gordon’s decisive, immediate and courageous handling of Peter Hain, Harriet Harman and Wendy Alexander: he decisively and immediately did nothing whatsoever and then stuck courageously to that course of action. That’s the sort of resolve we love and admire in a leader.

Wedded bliss.

What a great day it was yesterday for New Labour and this country. I was so pleased when I heard that Gordon had given a Cabinet job to Yvette Cooper, alongside her husband, the formidable Ed Balls. This was a hugely historic moment: never before in modern Western civilization have a husband and wife served together in Government. Unexpected and wonderful things just keep happening under Gordon Brown. It’s sometimes difficult to take it all in. There is also the delicious irony that Ed and Yvette’s meteoric rise contrasts markedly with the ailing fortunes of the Tories’ own married couple: Neil and Christine Hamilton. Here’s a poem on the subject.

Neil Hamilton did not think of it well
When called a Nazi thug by Panorama.
‘I’ll sue the BBC,’ thus he did yell,
And then there followed quite a courtroom drama.
But then in ‘97 Martin Bell
Beat him in Tatton, some might call it karma.
And Christine we must not lose sight of her. Oh
How on TV she flirts with Louis Theroux.

Meanwhile Ed Balls, great Gordon’s right-hand man,
As cunning, quick and brilliant as ever
Exposed the Tories’ Tax Commission’s plan
For 20 billion pounds of cuts, how clever!
And Tories wept for they knew to a man
They'd not return to office now, no never.
And Yvette none of Ed’s fine talent lacks:
She introduced Home Information Packs.

10 reasons why Peter Hain's resignation is good for Labour.

1) It contrasts this New Labour government most favourably with the Tories. When sleaze after sleaze story was revealed under Major, he dithered and kept corrupt individuals in post, thus bringing shame upon our nation. Gordon and Peter have acted quickly and decisively to clear the air.

2) It will allow the media to turn its attention to the genuine scandals in today’s politics: Osborne’s undeclared Central Office funding and Cameron’s dodgy helicopter flights.

3) Peter’s resignation speech will be all over the media, and no one could fail to be moved to tears by the generous and heart-felt praise he gave the Government, the Labour Party, his civil servants, his family, his constituency party and his constituents. It will cement the idea in the public consciousness that all Labour MPs are all good people.

4) People will be reminded how Peter fought and overturned the evil regime of apartheid South Africa. Contrast with the Tories at the time who wore ‘Hang Nelson Mandela’ T-shirts!

5) The public have now seen that the anti-corruption legislation put in by Tony Blair and Gordon Brown is working perfectly – another triumph for them.

6) If the next Work and Pensions Secretary is not nearly as good as Peter Hain and people start losing their pensions because of it, then the masses will begin turning against papers like The Mail and websites like Guido Fawkes – deplorable scandal organs that succeed only in driving brilliant and dedicated ministers from office.

7) Plaid Cymru leader Elfyn Llwyd was most vocal in calling for Peter’s resignation. The Welsh are a loyal and goodly folk who loved their Secretary of State. This sort of petty opportunism from Llwyd can only result in a Labour resurgence in its Welsh heartlands.

8) The Tories’ Shadow Work and Pensions Secretary Chris Grayling is currently hogging our screens. He reminds voters of everything they disliked about William Hague: nasty, band-wagon jumping and bald.

9) Peter was brilliant as a back-bench MP. Now he’s returned to that role the Tories will be quaking in their boots.

10) Peter has a healthy and attractive tan, which will make us think ahead to our summer holidays, relieving all this winter gloom about world recessions and stock-market slumps.

Cameron is the Anti-Christ.

Amid all the fluff and nonsense this morning about share-price crashes and interest-rate cuts, there is one story of genuine significance that should bring a shiver to the spine of every person in this country. ‘Dave’ Cameron has given his blessing to those parents who dissemble and lie about their Christian beliefs solely to get their children a place in a religious school. Religious behaviour without faith – what this practice amounts to – is a wicked sham that goes fundamentally against the teachings of Jesus Christ. The parents who behave in this way are bad enough; but for Cameron, a leading political figure, to encourage it can mean only one thing: the man is actively tying to undermine, and ultimately destroy, the very fabric of Christian faith in this country. There can be no other conclusion: David Cameron is the Anti-Christ.

Ken's loyalty is a lesson to us all.

I see that Iain Dale was whinging this morning about this excellent piece on Labourhome where the author rightly slams the treacherous Martin Bright for his scurrilous and harmful attacks on Ken Livingstone. ‘[T]hat someone from the country's leading left-of-centre magazine should call for Labour to lose London has left me furious. I can't be the only one.’ Indeed not. I too am outraged. What is most depressing is that Bright fails to extend to Ken exactly the sort of support and loyalty that Ken himself has unfalteringly given to his comrades on the left and in the Labour Party over his entire career. Can you imagine Ken indulging in behaviour that would damage Labour? Can you imagine Ken pursuing a course of action that would scupper the chances of a Labour mayoral candidate from taking office? Of course not – the very idea is fanciful. Ken can be proud of he unflinching support he has given his party; Bright should hang his head in shame.

Northern Rock crisis over.

To celebrate the fact that Gordon and Alistair have solved the problem of Northern Rock I’ve a written a sonnet on the incident. What an excellent day it’s been. The whole country should rejoice.

The Northern Rock, by all of us adored.
It offered many a generous rate of loan,
But woe, its shares did plummet like a stone
Once that the subprime crisis hit, Good Lord!
And into branches worried savers poured,
And opposition cynically did moan:
‘Administration’ Osborne did intone.
‘Nationalize this bank!’ Vince Cable roared.
But Gordon Brown – courageous, clever, calm –
Ordered financial aid from Mervyn King.
Then Gordon utilized his awesome charm
To woo Sir Richard Branson in Beijing.
And we taxpayers now were free from harm.
‘The Nothern Rock is saved!’ we all did sing.

Neil was right all along.

You can’t blame David Miliband – his father was a great Marxist philosopher and David’s clearly doing the best with the hand he’s been dealt – but this unseemly spat with the great nation of Russia must break the heart of every self-respecting Labour MP and supporter. Russia is a proud, ancient, civilised nation, yet throughout the 1980s Britain went out of its way to stockpile nuclear weapons of death and point them at its brave and kindly people. We antagonised and alienated a country that should now be a good friend. How ironic too that the regime we sided with in the ‘Cold War’, the USA, should drag us into the violence and horror that is Iraq. And can you imagine the despair Neil Kinnock is feeling right now? He realized we allied ourselves with the wrong lot and was vilified for his troubles, but now his own family is suffering because of decisions made by other, lesser politicians. Of course, we all know who’s ultimately to blame for all this: Thatcher. Her grovelling to Reagan left a wicked legacy that is still doing us immeasurably damage to this day. Thatcher may have died politically years ago, but her ghost will continue to haunt us for years to come.

A poem for 'Dave'.

I’ve always admired Hilary Clinton. In many ways she reminds me of Gordon Brown: both were the driving forces behind astonishingly successful left-wing governments; both, despite being supreme political strategists, are people of astonishing depth, courage, determination and principle. Sadly, Barack Obama in comparison is looking increasingly like a lightweight PR professional devoid of substance and ideas. Does that remind you of anyone closer to home? I’ve not written a poem for ‘Dave’ before so here goes:

In the press a young toff name of Cameron
Generated something of a clamour. On
His views (what one knew about them):
Vapid tripe (let’s be true about them).
Empty guff that would turn B. Obama on.

Epistle to Simon Heffer.

Now that the inconsequential squall over Peter Hain’s donations has subsided I wasn’t planning to write about Peter for a bit. But then I saw this outrageous article in The Telegraph by Simon Heffer and I thought again. Heffer has the temerity to write that Peter’s ‘contribution to our good governance remains not even debatable: for most of us could not, for the life of us, start to imagine what real or illusory achievements he has that might be debated’. The first post I ever wrote on this blog contained an ‘Ode to Peter Hain’. I was so shocked and angered by Heffer’s rant that I decided to compose another verse recounting – with a Popean majesty of style – the life, works and struggles of this great man. Read it and weep Heffer. It shows that Peter has done more for public life than you and your nasty little columns ever will.

Hain was born in the land of the leaping gazelle,
But he saw that his country was not doing well,
So he joined with the Liberals and, acting with speed,
Saw that Nelson Mandela was from his jail freed.
Then to Putney Hain moved, far from racist white bullies,
But when buying some typewriter ribbon in Woolies
A quite brutal bank robbery took place nearby.
This was not what it seemed; it was something most sly –
The South African secret police had a plot:
To incriminate Hain so in prison he’d rot,
And though this was the act of a look-alike grim
At the ID parade two small schoolboys picked him.
It was David Steel though who backed Hain to the hilt
And thus Hain was emphatically cleared of all guilt.

And next Hain, now he’d cut his political teeth,
Was elected MP for New Labour in Neath.
In the FO he served and showed how it was right
For Gibraltar and Spain to make peace and unite.
And his next job was Ulster in which he excelled –
To abandon armed struggle Sinn Fein was compelled.
All the murderings ceased, life was not at all tough,
And McGuinness and Paisley can’t praise him enough.
Then the crisis in pensions of us he did rid,
And he then launched a deputy leadership bid.
And Prime Minister Brown from the rooftops did shout,
‘Peter Hain is a chap I could ne’er do without!’

The beginning of the end of Thatcherism.

I am deeply amused by the theory that the imminent nationalization of Northern Rock is some desperate, last-ditch measure which Gordon and Alistair have been forced into by events. The exact opposite is true. Consider one incontrovertible fact: Gordon Brown is the master political strategist of his generation with the spirit of True Labour running through his veins. With this in mind it becomes clear what a masterstroke the whole Northern Rock ‘debacle’ really is. Nationalize Northern Rock; show the country that the state can do a far better job of running such an institution than private businessmen; then – with the public on side and the intellectual argument won – the process can commence of bringing the entirety of British industry into public ownership. First the banking and financial services can become state owned; then the family silver given away by Thatcher – BT, British Gas, British Airways etc. – will return to their rightful home. Finally the government can acquire and manage all private and foreign-owned companies. The delicious consequence of this is that it would totally demoralize the Tories. Everything they fought for in the 1980s would unravel before their eyes and they probably wouldn’t have the motivation to hold office ever again. Gordon Brown really does never cease to amaze!

Peter Hain's great nature (part 3).

Tears of felicity welled in my eyes as I watched Peter Hain give his robust and eloquent refutation to the vindictive charges of sleaze that have distracted him over the last few days. Thank goodness that’s over, I thought to myself. Now perhaps we can let the man get on with adding yet more political triumphs to his already formidable list of achievements: a free and just South Africa, a peaceful and prosperous Northern Ireland, a fair and generous pension system. Sadly, professional snipers like David Cameron were soon popping up to complain that Peter’s statement was incomplete and that questions remained unanswered. It suddenly struck me that Cameron is playing an extremely dangerous game here: if we get into the situation where politicians have to explain every nuisance and disclose every fact then aren’t we finally conceding that the bond of trust between the people and their rulers has been irrevocably severed? In a healthy democracy we wouldn’t expect our statesmen to feel obliged to justify every action – their basic assurance that nothing was amiss would be enough. I think Peter appreciates this: had he been too punctilious in defending himself he would have looked like some guttersnipe pleading his case from the dock, not a gifted and respected minister whose behaviour is beyond rebuke. That deep, almost mystical, sense of veneration we the people feel towards those who lead us is something that should be cherished and preserved. And all the time good men like Peter Hain are in office, it just might be.

Peter Hain's great nature (part 2).

I found myself literarily blushing with admiration and pride when I learnt that one of Peter Hain’s undeclared financial contributors is a certain Isaac Kaye. Mr Kaye was a supporter of the pro-Apartheid National Party in South Africa, and his company was raided by the police on suspicion of defrauding the NHS. Now Peter, as we know, was one of the leading freedom fighters against Apartheid and his party, Labour, have invested billions in the NHS to make it the finest health service in the world. The fact that Peter could take donations from someone with Mr Kaye’s history really shows what a forgiving, kind and charitable man Peter is. Clearly Peter does not hold petty grudges about other people, so neither should we about him.

Peter Hain's great nature.

One can feel nothing but the deepest sympathy for Peter Hain over this sad business of his undeclared donations. It is clear from this piece by the BBC that the responsibility lies not with Peter but the useless administrators he employed in his office. Now, if Peter were a cold, nasty, exploitative, ruthless Tory he would doubtless have sacked these employees at the first sign of their incompetence and saved himself all this bother. However, all Labour MPs are good people. They despise the scourge of unemployment and would never condemn someone to the dole queue even in the most extreme circumstances. I suspect Peter gave these nincompoops on his staff chance after chance to get things right, but on each occasion they threw his good will back in his face and continued their deplorable bungling. Instead of condemning Peter we should be celebrating the fact that we have a man of such patience and forgiveness in public life. Peter Hain is the victim of his own impeccable nature.

Brown and Becks, a winning team.

Talk about a Government of all the talents. Gordon appears to have recruited soccer mega-star David Beckham to his increasingly formidable team. I don’t know what job Gordon has in mind for Becks. Sports Tsar? An ambassadorial role? (Beckham is of course famous in every country on earth.) But one thing is certain – young people probably look up to David Beckham even more than they do to Gordon Brown, so yet again Gordon has demonstrated his uncanny ability to reach out to every corner of the population. Gordon and David make a fine duo and will clearly enjoy the benefits of a little of each other’s stardust. Here’s a sonnet on it:

Statesman and sportsman – both exuding class,
And neither would his solemn duty shirk.
For Becks delivers many a curving pass,
And Brown delivers policies that work.
And from a spot kick Becks beat mighty Greece,
And wondrous football glories did unfold.
In Kenya Gordon pledged to broker peace,
And earned us billions with his sale of gold.
Becks is identified all over earth,
And though the Tories cruelly plan to wreck ‘em
ID cards, keeping us secure from birth,
Make us identifiable as Beckham.
Now Gordon’s given Becks some vital role.
Well done you both. I’ll just conclude with Gooooooaaaaaallllll…

Labour makes us healthy, wealthy and wise.

There’s an old saying, ‘Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.’ Well, as I scanned good news story after good news in this morning’s papers it seemed that New Labour is the 21st Century’s method for making us ‘healthy, wealthy and wise’. On health there was Gordon Brown’s ground-breaking plans for nationwide screening. How clever an idea is that! If we don’t get sick then there’ll be no time off work (and the subsequent burden on employers) and no using valuable Government resources on expensive hospital treatments. On wealth Gordon has said he wants three-year pay deals for public-sector workers; this will keep the national finances in good order and protect us all from the evils of inflation. And on wisdom… Well, at first I couldn’t see any obvious candidate, but then I noticed this story about donations to Peter Hain. The allegation is just a piece of silliness, of course, and will soon blow over. However, it does serve to remind us of the time when British politics was genuinely corrupt – namely under the Tories. The Hain story is a salutary reminder that whatever childish gripes we may have against the current Government we’d be very wise to remember what the alternative will be like. Health, wealth and wisdom – New Labour provides them all!

End this bleating.

I must say that I’m becoming increasingly irritated by the constant bleating on behalf of the taxpayer about the £25 billion needed to save Northern Rock. Let’s face it, most ‘taxpayers’ – and I use the term advisedly as under Gordon Brown our levels of taxation are some of the lowest in the world – are quite happy to fritter away their cash on such junk as flat-screen TVs, Burberry caps and tacky holidays abroad. Yet when it comes to putting money to good use and saving our Government from potential embarrassment and preserving the reputation for economic brilliance of our Prime Minister then there’s all manner of snivelling and sniping. People need to get their priorities right. And another thing, if it wasn’t for the full employment Gordon Brown created most people wouldn’t have a job and so wouldn’t be paying tax anyway.

Gordon Brown, Renaissance Man.

I was delighted to read that Britain is about to enter a new Renaissance - a fitting legacy for those two great political princes of modern times, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. Petrarch was a great poet of the first Renaissance, so here’s a Petrarchan sonnet in honour of our current golden age:

A wondrous era over - that of Blair,
We looked to someone else to wear the crown,
And so we ushered in our Gordon Brown,
Whose economic-growth rate showed much flair.
But then there were disasters everywhere -
Great floods and bombs in Glasgow made us frown.
The banking sector almost was brought down
By Northern Rock, whose business plan lacked care.
But by all Britain Gordon Brown was backed,
Despite the barbs of critics, crass and mean.
That Cameron declared Brown courage lacked,
And Vincent Cable called him Mr Bean.
But Britain’s love for Gordon’s still intact:
On ‘Jobs for British Workers’ he’s most keen.

Will the next US President be a Brownite?

The Iowa caucuses seem to have blown the American presidential race wide open. But whether Hilary or Barack is the next President of the US one thing is certain: if they want it, they can have an outstanding tutor and mentor in Gordon Brown. I’m sure many Americans would secretly love to see Gordon as their President. He presided over a ten year British economic miracle, while the US economy was looking shaky. And one needs only to compare Gordon’s assured handling of the floods last summer with George W. Bush’s bungling over Hurricane Katrina. Unfortunately for the USA, Gordon is constitutionally precluded from standing for the White House; however, Americans can have the next best thing: a home-grown President who is willing to listen to Gordon’s advice and implement his ideas across that great nation. A Brownite America - that really would be something to behold!

Shaun Woodward - is the end in sight?

Oh woe, oh woe. A nasty rumour is circulating that star New Labour MP Shaun Woodward is about to be sacked from Government. Shaun, you may remember, crossed the floor to New Labour when the Tories became a contemptible rump of bigots and homophobes under William Hague. Shaun was in many ways a proto-Quentin Davies: an old-school Conservative of courage, decency and principle who could no longer remain in the nasty party. Both men saw the tolerance, warmth and liberalism of New Labour as their destiny and never looked back. Although Shaun’s defection did not create the political earthquake that Quentin’s did it still deserves its footnote in history. So Shaun, if you are given your marching orders please don’t be too dismayed. The New Labour project will continue without you, and we are so replete with talent that any number of people can fill your shoes. So chin up and thank you. You have done your bit and can be most pleased with your contribution.

Gordon - saviour of continents.

He's amazing, that Gordon Brown. Not content with stepping in to bring Benazir Bhutto's assassins to justice, he's now brokering peace between the warring factions in Kenya. Come on World! We elected him, so can’t we have a bit of Gordon’s magic from time to time? We’ve got a burning hospital that needs his attention. I’m joking of course: for all the great things he’s doing in the rest of the world Gordon would never forget the people back home in Blighty who treasure him so much. Here’s a poem on this very subject:

General Musharraf, racked with fear
Said, ‘This situation’s quite severe
As Benazir has been exploded
And my prestige is quite eroded!’

Blessed with a bewitching smile
Gordon travelled many a mile
And said, ‘Despite the chaos wrought
I will see those killers caught.’
And all of Pakistan did hail his name!

Mr Odinga and Kibaki
Said, ‘Our situation's tacky
With people getting beaten flat
And looting, riots and all that.’

Blessed with a bewitching smile
Gordon travelled many a mile
And said, ‘I’ll see these riots cease
By brokering a lasting peace.’
And all through Kenya then did spread his fame!

Meanwhile in Blightly, things weren’t right:
A hospital was burning bright
And all sick people wondered how
They would get their treatment now.

Blessed with a bewitching smile
Gordon travelled many a mile
And said, ‘Fear not O frail and sick.
We will rebuild it brick by brick.’
And all knew Gordon was top of his game!