Brown and Becks, a winning team.

Talk about a Government of all the talents. Gordon appears to have recruited soccer mega-star David Beckham to his increasingly formidable team. I don’t know what job Gordon has in mind for Becks. Sports Tsar? An ambassadorial role? (Beckham is of course famous in every country on earth.) But one thing is certain – young people probably look up to David Beckham even more than they do to Gordon Brown, so yet again Gordon has demonstrated his uncanny ability to reach out to every corner of the population. Gordon and David make a fine duo and will clearly enjoy the benefits of a little of each other’s stardust. Here’s a sonnet on it:

Statesman and sportsman – both exuding class,
And neither would his solemn duty shirk.
For Becks delivers many a curving pass,
And Brown delivers policies that work.
And from a spot kick Becks beat mighty Greece,
And wondrous football glories did unfold.
In Kenya Gordon pledged to broker peace,
And earned us billions with his sale of gold.
Becks is identified all over earth,
And though the Tories cruelly plan to wreck ‘em
ID cards, keeping us secure from birth,
Make us identifiable as Beckham.
Now Gordon’s given Becks some vital role.
Well done you both. I’ll just conclude with Gooooooaaaaaallllll…

Labour makes us healthy, wealthy and wise.

There’s an old saying, ‘Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.’ Well, as I scanned good news story after good news in this morning’s papers it seemed that New Labour is the 21st Century’s method for making us ‘healthy, wealthy and wise’. On health there was Gordon Brown’s ground-breaking plans for nationwide screening. How clever an idea is that! If we don’t get sick then there’ll be no time off work (and the subsequent burden on employers) and no using valuable Government resources on expensive hospital treatments. On wealth Gordon has said he wants three-year pay deals for public-sector workers; this will keep the national finances in good order and protect us all from the evils of inflation. And on wisdom… Well, at first I couldn’t see any obvious candidate, but then I noticed this story about donations to Peter Hain. The allegation is just a piece of silliness, of course, and will soon blow over. However, it does serve to remind us of the time when British politics was genuinely corrupt – namely under the Tories. The Hain story is a salutary reminder that whatever childish gripes we may have against the current Government we’d be very wise to remember what the alternative will be like. Health, wealth and wisdom – New Labour provides them all!

End this bleating.

I must say that I’m becoming increasingly irritated by the constant bleating on behalf of the taxpayer about the £25 billion needed to save Northern Rock. Let’s face it, most ‘taxpayers’ – and I use the term advisedly as under Gordon Brown our levels of taxation are some of the lowest in the world – are quite happy to fritter away their cash on such junk as flat-screen TVs, Burberry caps and tacky holidays abroad. Yet when it comes to putting money to good use and saving our Government from potential embarrassment and preserving the reputation for economic brilliance of our Prime Minister then there’s all manner of snivelling and sniping. People need to get their priorities right. And another thing, if it wasn’t for the full employment Gordon Brown created most people wouldn’t have a job and so wouldn’t be paying tax anyway.

Gordon Brown, Renaissance Man.

I was delighted to read that Britain is about to enter a new Renaissance - a fitting legacy for those two great political princes of modern times, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. Petrarch was a great poet of the first Renaissance, so here’s a Petrarchan sonnet in honour of our current golden age:

A wondrous era over - that of Blair,
We looked to someone else to wear the crown,
And so we ushered in our Gordon Brown,
Whose economic-growth rate showed much flair.
But then there were disasters everywhere -
Great floods and bombs in Glasgow made us frown.
The banking sector almost was brought down
By Northern Rock, whose business plan lacked care.
But by all Britain Gordon Brown was backed,
Despite the barbs of critics, crass and mean.
That Cameron declared Brown courage lacked,
And Vincent Cable called him Mr Bean.
But Britain’s love for Gordon’s still intact:
On ‘Jobs for British Workers’ he’s most keen.

Will the next US President be a Brownite?

The Iowa caucuses seem to have blown the American presidential race wide open. But whether Hilary or Barack is the next President of the US one thing is certain: if they want it, they can have an outstanding tutor and mentor in Gordon Brown. I’m sure many Americans would secretly love to see Gordon as their President. He presided over a ten year British economic miracle, while the US economy was looking shaky. And one needs only to compare Gordon’s assured handling of the floods last summer with George W. Bush’s bungling over Hurricane Katrina. Unfortunately for the USA, Gordon is constitutionally precluded from standing for the White House; however, Americans can have the next best thing: a home-grown President who is willing to listen to Gordon’s advice and implement his ideas across that great nation. A Brownite America - that really would be something to behold!

Shaun Woodward - is the end in sight?

Oh woe, oh woe. A nasty rumour is circulating that star New Labour MP Shaun Woodward is about to be sacked from Government. Shaun, you may remember, crossed the floor to New Labour when the Tories became a contemptible rump of bigots and homophobes under William Hague. Shaun was in many ways a proto-Quentin Davies: an old-school Conservative of courage, decency and principle who could no longer remain in the nasty party. Both men saw the tolerance, warmth and liberalism of New Labour as their destiny and never looked back. Although Shaun’s defection did not create the political earthquake that Quentin’s did it still deserves its footnote in history. So Shaun, if you are given your marching orders please don’t be too dismayed. The New Labour project will continue without you, and we are so replete with talent that any number of people can fill your shoes. So chin up and thank you. You have done your bit and can be most pleased with your contribution.

Gordon - saviour of continents.

He's amazing, that Gordon Brown. Not content with stepping in to bring Benazir Bhutto's assassins to justice, he's now brokering peace between the warring factions in Kenya. Come on World! We elected him, so can’t we have a bit of Gordon’s magic from time to time? We’ve got a burning hospital that needs his attention. I’m joking of course: for all the great things he’s doing in the rest of the world Gordon would never forget the people back home in Blighty who treasure him so much. Here’s a poem on this very subject:

General Musharraf, racked with fear
Said, ‘This situation’s quite severe
As Benazir has been exploded
And my prestige is quite eroded!’

Blessed with a bewitching smile
Gordon travelled many a mile
And said, ‘Despite the chaos wrought
I will see those killers caught.’
And all of Pakistan did hail his name!

Mr Odinga and Kibaki
Said, ‘Our situation's tacky
With people getting beaten flat
And looting, riots and all that.’

Blessed with a bewitching smile
Gordon travelled many a mile
And said, ‘I’ll see these riots cease
By brokering a lasting peace.’
And all through Kenya then did spread his fame!

Meanwhile in Blightly, things weren’t right:
A hospital was burning bright
And all sick people wondered how
They would get their treatment now.

Blessed with a bewitching smile
Gordon travelled many a mile
And said, ‘Fear not O frail and sick.
We will rebuild it brick by brick.’
And all knew Gordon was top of his game!